take me home...

"[Home] guides us with its wisdom
And takes us by the hand
Pulls us to our feet
And helps us understand
That life is one big lesson
And we must choose to learn
About ourselves and others
And the one we serve. "

Isn't it funny how our pasts have so much to do with where we are going? I've been thinking about where I was a year ago and it is such an eye-opening experience. The episode that I'd like to call "the stupid boy episode" was both an awful and enlightening experience. While I definitely would vote for it never happening, dealing with that kind of hurt made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. Exactly a year ago... I was still fighting the temptation to hang out with a boy that treated me like I was nothing. I was still filled with bitterness, anger, confusion, and... anger. Did I say that already? I was still angry with GOD, angry with myself for believing empty words, angry at the stupid boy, obviously. I was wondering why in the world something like this would happen to me. And now looking back, I realize why. GOD does not deliberately place us in circumstances to cause us pain. Rather, He wants us to constantly learn from our 'episodes'. I know, without a doubt, that GOD was teaching me to turn to Him for security and not some stupid boy. I learned that when you have to force feelings for a boy, it's not meant to be. I learned that I am beautiful in GOD's eyes, and that is all that matters; that one took a while to learn... I think I'm still struggling with the idea of beauty. I also learned that I can tell someone how I truly feel and be strong in who I am and what I have to say. And last but certainly not least, I learned that GOD's timing is completely different from mine; and when you least expect it, He throws something amazing into the mix. I am now happier than I have ever been, with a boy that makes me feel secure, beautiful, intelligent, talented, and important. I don't say this to brag on myself, but to brag about the boy. I have never felt more comfortable than when I am with him. Who would have guessed I would end up here a year later? That I would, after swearing off boys and relationships, meet a boy that makes me smile, no matter where we are, or what time of day it is? GOD works in mysterious ways.. that is for sure. In the end, I would definitely wish for a different type of lesson. But what really matters is... I learned, and grew, and moved on to something that is so much better. Our GOD is a GOD of mystery. I love that.

strength will rise...

It is so weird to think that next May, I will be done at ASU. I don't think anyone is every really ready to move onto the next phase of their lives. Especially not me. I do know that whatever I end up doing after I graduate, it will prepare me for the next phase, and so on. College has really changed my perception of being a 'grownup'. When do we finally reach that point when we actually feel like a grown up? I am 21 years old, and I definitely don't feel like one yet. I have no idea what I'm doing my life; I'm unorganized, confused... a complete mess. I just wonder, do we ever reach that point of contentment in adulthood? Are we ever satisfied with where we are, and what are doing at that point in time? I think the answer is: no. We are always looking either backwards or forwards. Either to the past ("the good ol days"), or the future where we will "have it all together." I am happy with where I am.. I love ASU, and all of the amazing experience I have enjoyed. But have I been content? I don't think so. I think it takes a certain strength to focus on the present, to really take in what is happening as each day unfolds. While this is difficult, it's such a comfort to know that we have a GOD who is faithful, and who is lighting our paths. This light is usually a dim light, that takes effort and focus to follow. But it is there; we just have to look for it, and not be distracted by the things that surround us. I think that is why GOD does not have some tacky bright, blinding light that guides us. Because He wants us to stretch our faith, and to take that leap for Him. He wants to know, just as we do with Him, that we are faithful. He also wants to see that our strength should not only crawl out of us when we are facing an enormous struggle. It should be ever-present, never-failing, unending. A song that really illustrates this is says the following:

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

Strength represents itself through patience, humility, servitude... not only in those times when we feel we should be 'strong'. While it is important to have that strength during difficult times, it is most imperative that we carry it within us every day. And it is that strength that will allow us to be content with where we are and with what we've got. I struggle with this daily, thinking that I have my future partially planned out. That is the problem though... it is not 'my plan' that is important here... at all. This is where submission plays a huge role. Submitting to GOD's: plan, power, knowledge, faithfulness. We must take 'our plans' and throw them out the window in order to truly follow the dimly- lit path that is our constant life journey.

first day...

This should be fun :)