safety first!

While I was sitting with some old High School friends eating dinner tonight, I realized something. Things that are important at one phase in life seem completely trite and almost ridiculous in the next to come. I have realized this before but seeing old friends' lives unfold before my eyes really instills that thought in my mind. Popularity. Who you know. Being the life of the party. These are all things that wax and wane as life moves on. My friend Jared, for example, has always been the type that is serious aboutthe future, and all about security in finding a job. I knew he would end up married out of college with a safe job and eventually a family. He is the kind of guy that will never change; however, his desire for a job has changed. He's gone from political science to a funding company in the Charlotte area. Soon we realize that once we have found the person we are meant to be with (as Jared has), we sort of toss our dreams and aspirations aside for a while... to be logical and "safe". Applying this to my life is very simple... the desire to sing/write/perform will always be within me, but as time passes, I'm not sure if that dream will come true. I realize that GOD has a plan for my life, and I should not try to take the steps to plan it myself, but I still do not want to retreat from my desires in order to stick to what is "safe" (teaching). The idea of marriage has definitely been spoken about in detail. The realization that I have found 'the one' almost pushes me towards the safe route. In doing this I wonder... am I simply tossing my desire for music aside because I want to be safe? Turns out... that is the same as asking.. am I too afraid to trust in GOD to provide as I do what He wants me to do? I constantly jump back and forth, from the choice of doing what I truly love.. to what I would enjoy.. I know that teaching is a ministry in itself, but is it my calling? This is my constant struggle.

God doesn't call us to something that is safe

He calls us to something that tests us and pushes us

In order to stretch our faith, and fully trust in Him.

The Lord provides.

I have to constantly remind myself of this daily.

hymns are timeless..

I recently bought a Shelly Moore Band CD; by the way, they are amazing! She did a really neat rendition of Jesus Paid It All that sounds like a completely different song. But the words are exactly the same as the original Hymn. In hearing the same powerful words sung in a different tune, I was reminded of the strength of Hymns to this day. Even though the tune and rhythm may change, the words always remain the same. There have been countless artists that have changed the rhythm and/or tune of a hymn. But the importance of the message behind the song, both spirtual and historical, lingers behind. This lead me to the realization that while Shelly Moore is an amazing singer/artist, the words she sings are not hers. They are the Lord's, and will forever be the Lord's. As a singer/artist myself, I tend to lose this train of thought easily. Instead of thinking "what can I write?", I should be thinking "what will you have me write tonight, Lord?" This is a challenge.... just something to think about.

I hear the Savior say

Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
But He washed it white as snow

For nothing good have I
Whereby thy grace to claim
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb

And when, before the throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died to save my soul
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
But He washed it white as snow

stand out

"I want to stand out, I want to stand tall

I want to be myself even if it means I won't fit in at all

I wanna be real, I wanna be me

Cuz everything I am is who I'm meant to be

I was meant to be free."

Ginny and Mom just got back from Mars Hill Leadership Camp yesterday. I was talking to my mom earlier and she told me that the JCC (Junior Counselor Coordinator) this year started telling her about how he has met every member of the young family except for my dad. I knew that after that sentence she was going to make some statement comparing the four of us, probably ending in "and Kelly was a lot quieter, but very sweet", or something like that. But the next words that came out of her mouth (or really, his) surprised me. He said "Morgan was great as a JCC, Katie was great and a lot of fun, but I really admire Kelly's walk with Christ." I was really shocked; we were JC's together but had never actually sat down and had a serious conversation or anything like that (that was still my shy, intimidated phase). Then my mind started to wonder about ways in which he would know that, or see that. Maybe he talked about it with my other siblings, maybe he saw it in how I acted. I really have no idea; but I thought that was so cool... that someone I "know", but don't actually know would see that. That just shows that you never know how people see you, who admires you, and why they admire you. I would never had guessed that. This is a great life lession: others' opinions aren't all that matter, but when it comes to living out your spirituality, you are meant to be an example of Christ in all you do and say. This specifically opened my eyes to the realization that even though you have a certain perception of yourself in comparison to others, even family (especially family), others will most likely see you in a completely different light. This is very encouraging to those who don't feel like they 'fit in' with their families, based on personality differences, etc. I know that my GOD made me the way I am and placed me in my family for a reason. And I think this story has given me a bigger hope of seeing that reason. Maybe I'm not the 'fun one' or the 'attention seeker' or the 'life of the party', but people see something else in me that they respect and admire. I'll take that over being the party girl any day. Each day I am growing a little bit stronger in my identity, and tossing my insecurities in being the odd-ball aside. This is a great feeling, and it is reassured through stories that all began at a Leadership Camp five years ago.

take me home...

"[Home] guides us with its wisdom
And takes us by the hand
Pulls us to our feet
And helps us understand
That life is one big lesson
And we must choose to learn
About ourselves and others
And the one we serve. "

Isn't it funny how our pasts have so much to do with where we are going? I've been thinking about where I was a year ago and it is such an eye-opening experience. The episode that I'd like to call "the stupid boy episode" was both an awful and enlightening experience. While I definitely would vote for it never happening, dealing with that kind of hurt made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. Exactly a year ago... I was still fighting the temptation to hang out with a boy that treated me like I was nothing. I was still filled with bitterness, anger, confusion, and... anger. Did I say that already? I was still angry with GOD, angry with myself for believing empty words, angry at the stupid boy, obviously. I was wondering why in the world something like this would happen to me. And now looking back, I realize why. GOD does not deliberately place us in circumstances to cause us pain. Rather, He wants us to constantly learn from our 'episodes'. I know, without a doubt, that GOD was teaching me to turn to Him for security and not some stupid boy. I learned that when you have to force feelings for a boy, it's not meant to be. I learned that I am beautiful in GOD's eyes, and that is all that matters; that one took a while to learn... I think I'm still struggling with the idea of beauty. I also learned that I can tell someone how I truly feel and be strong in who I am and what I have to say. And last but certainly not least, I learned that GOD's timing is completely different from mine; and when you least expect it, He throws something amazing into the mix. I am now happier than I have ever been, with a boy that makes me feel secure, beautiful, intelligent, talented, and important. I don't say this to brag on myself, but to brag about the boy. I have never felt more comfortable than when I am with him. Who would have guessed I would end up here a year later? That I would, after swearing off boys and relationships, meet a boy that makes me smile, no matter where we are, or what time of day it is? GOD works in mysterious ways.. that is for sure. In the end, I would definitely wish for a different type of lesson. But what really matters is... I learned, and grew, and moved on to something that is so much better. Our GOD is a GOD of mystery. I love that.

strength will rise...

It is so weird to think that next May, I will be done at ASU. I don't think anyone is every really ready to move onto the next phase of their lives. Especially not me. I do know that whatever I end up doing after I graduate, it will prepare me for the next phase, and so on. College has really changed my perception of being a 'grownup'. When do we finally reach that point when we actually feel like a grown up? I am 21 years old, and I definitely don't feel like one yet. I have no idea what I'm doing my life; I'm unorganized, confused... a complete mess. I just wonder, do we ever reach that point of contentment in adulthood? Are we ever satisfied with where we are, and what are doing at that point in time? I think the answer is: no. We are always looking either backwards or forwards. Either to the past ("the good ol days"), or the future where we will "have it all together." I am happy with where I am.. I love ASU, and all of the amazing experience I have enjoyed. But have I been content? I don't think so. I think it takes a certain strength to focus on the present, to really take in what is happening as each day unfolds. While this is difficult, it's such a comfort to know that we have a GOD who is faithful, and who is lighting our paths. This light is usually a dim light, that takes effort and focus to follow. But it is there; we just have to look for it, and not be distracted by the things that surround us. I think that is why GOD does not have some tacky bright, blinding light that guides us. Because He wants us to stretch our faith, and to take that leap for Him. He wants to know, just as we do with Him, that we are faithful. He also wants to see that our strength should not only crawl out of us when we are facing an enormous struggle. It should be ever-present, never-failing, unending. A song that really illustrates this is says the following:

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

Strength represents itself through patience, humility, servitude... not only in those times when we feel we should be 'strong'. While it is important to have that strength during difficult times, it is most imperative that we carry it within us every day. And it is that strength that will allow us to be content with where we are and with what we've got. I struggle with this daily, thinking that I have my future partially planned out. That is the problem though... it is not 'my plan' that is important here... at all. This is where submission plays a huge role. Submitting to GOD's: plan, power, knowledge, faithfulness. We must take 'our plans' and throw them out the window in order to truly follow the dimly- lit path that is our constant life journey.

first day...

This should be fun :)